No More Lucha Underground Updates

Friends, it is with a heavy heart, that I have decided to discontinue the lucha underground updates, surely not because I am pursuing a career as a luchador myself. Surely not. Wink Wink. I have realized that when I watch the noble sport of Luchador wrestling every Wednesday on the good old El Rey network, I just want to be entertained and I do not want to write anything. On that same token, the world of luchador wrestling is one that I must  further explore and I want to watch other promotions like New Japan and whatnot. If I have anything I need to urgently say about the amazing world of professional wrestling, I surely will, and again, I am not pursuing a career as a luchador myself. I swear. I am not making a mask and planning to move to Mexico to train in the Sinaloa mountains and fight vampires and werewolves like Santos. I am not doing that, because it is not possible. And if I was doing that, surely my wrestling name would not be Lobo Rojo, the red wolf. Life is full of wonder, and it is a great thing to love things and be passionate. As much as I love to share my passion for the noble sport and art of luchador wrestling, when I watch it I just wanna chill, ya dig? Anywho, it’s been a fun few weeks, but all good things must come to an end. Lobo Rojo, signing out, er um uh… I mean, Mr. Red signing out.

Love, 

Mr. Red

Lucha Underground Episode Recap: Game 2 of the Cueto Cup

The legendary KeMonito

This clip is from the CMLL league in Mexico city, the man in the monkey outfit is KeMonito, a brave little person wrestler. This video shows a player's dedication to the noble art of luchador wrestling. KeMonito is a positive role model to us all.

And so, here we are, on the second game of the Cueto cup. The variety of the matchups in tonight’s show was interesting to say the least. The Cueto cup is shaping up to be more important and amazing than the Stanley Cup and the World Cup. And so the matches were:

Cage Vs. Vinnie Massarro

Though I fear nothing but the beautiful chaos of the universe, I feel it would be frightening to irritate Cage. As for Vinnie, Vinnie is a meat ball man. A spaghetti and meatball man. He is a man made of spaghetti o’s and Cage pulverized him, and Vinnie can do nothing, because of the ancient Italian law of omerta. Vinnie is made of lasagna as well, and when Cage won, he kept hitting him with that Metal glove thing that looks like it has magic or something. I realized with Cage he is not a man, but a crushing machine. Cage won fair and square, but I hope Vinnie lives another day to go back to his home that is made of pizza.

Marty “The Moth” Vs. Saltador

When that freakazoid the Moth came out people were chanting his name, and I was like “What the fuck?” I missed a huge chunk of episodes but I had no idea people liked him, I always thought he was a real grade A weirdo. Anywho, Saltador came out, and his costume gives you a headache, which is brilliant as a tactical thing. So the match goes and I must say, The Moth has moves and while Saltador made me extremely uncomfortable, he was doing all kinds of acrobatic moves as well, but again, he makes me uncomfortable. In fact, the whole match seemed uncomfortable. The Moth is clearly in a bad mental place, for which he needs help, and he would do “crazy” things like banging his head on the mat, and making weird faces at Melissa, the announcer girl, which crazy or not is simply uncalled for. The Moth is in need of psychiatric help, hopefully that will happen somehow before anyone gets really hurt. He won. Melissa didn’t seem happy.

Pindar Vs. Mascareda Sagrada

Look, Mascareda Sagrada is a little person, a brave little person, and Pindar is a hulking guy with a reptile mask. Naturally, seeing them fight it is like seeing a lizard man trying to catch a mouse man. It just does, then Vampyro even mentions it. I dunno, I feel bad for thinking that. But anyway, Mascareda had all the moves, he tried by golly he tried, but at the end of the day he was no match for the brute force of Pindar. Also, at the beginning of the match Pindar threw Mascareda around like a doll, I admit, I laughed.

Which brings us to the main event:

Mariposa Vs. Fenix

Mariposa’s whole vibe is like a Wonder Woman level of power, and she certainly held her own against Fenix. Fenix did his best to be a gentleman about the game, but when Mariposa kind of insisted they fight, he did hit her in the face a lot, which is not gentlemanly at all, but hey this is luchador wrestling, this isn’t a fairy tale. So Fenix wins, then The Moth bursts into the ring and tries to beat him up but Fenix incapacitates him, and Melissa, who apparently loves Fenyx, looked a tad romantically excited if you know what I mean.

And so that was game two of the Cueto cup. I feel, socially, it was an important game because a little person, a person with a severe mental illness, a woman, and the men were all treated as equals: as noble and not so noble warriors trying to get the most important cup since the holy grail. Next week Mil Muertes is in the line up so that should be fun. Until next time:

Love,

 

Naz Red

Lucha Underground Episode Recap: The beginning of the Cueto Cup

I was going to photoshop Drago's head onto Mother Theresa's but I realized it might be considered disrespectful. 

I have included this photo and quote of Mother Theresa, who I heard was an awesome gal, because of a point I would like to make about the noble art and sport of Luchador wrestling and professional wrestling in general:

The other night I watched an excellent documentary about Luchador wrestling in Mexico called “Lucha Mexico”. There is a scene in which one of the documentary’s subjects, Shocker, is having a meal at a restaurant and this father with his star struck daughter is having him sign an autograph for her. The little girl appears to be in a daze to be this close to a real live super hero. Later in the film, Shocker is injured in a match for real: his knee cap rips through his thigh. And still, months later, after grueling physical therapy and a deep depression, Shocker goes back to the ring to entertain the people, of which there are many. I feel as though while it would be silly to compare a professional wrestler to Mother Theresa, fuck you, I am making the comparison anyway (I’m sorry I didn’t mean that, forgive me).

And so that brings me to the beginning of the Cueto Cup. It all breaks down like this:

The first match was The Mack Vs Mala Suerte. The Mack, at this point, is a lovable hero and though he does not possess the traditional build of these other guys, the man can move. Mala Suerte was a lazy man, he did this move where he made it look like he was going to jump twenty feet onto The Mack who was writhing on the floor from the corner of the ring, but instead got down and tried to pin Mack just by walking over. Mala Suerte deserved to lose for that alone. Good job Mack, I always believed in you.

It was then Texano Vs. Famous B. Famous B, because of the fact that he is apparently more business man then luchador, allowed Texano to pin him just so he could sign Texano. This confirmed what I have thought of Famous B since I have come to know him, he has revealed himself for what he is: A coward.

There was a preview of Johnny Mundo and Rey Mysterio training for their big fight which will be coming soon, and then we were onto the main event: Drago vs. Aerostar. Drago, as you may know, is some sort of love slave for this lady, which is so awesome and kinky. Aerostar is a good dude, but I was happy Drago won because he’s into some cool shit with that lady, not that I would be down with that, I would take it personally if a woman yelled at me.

Thus begins the Cueto cup, limbs will be broken and lives will be ruined, if there is any lesson to be learned from this episode of Lucha Underground, it is that even though sometimes the bad guy wins, you have to keep fighting another day. And Drago is into some kinky shit.

With all of the love in the vast, beautiful, mysterious universe,

Naz Red ;)

Lucha Underground Episode Recap: Mil Muertes vs. Prince Puma

Prince Puma for president of the United States because that title totally isn't cheap now.

And so it goes, despite the strength and sheer heart that The Mack possessed, he was no match for Johnny Mundo’s underhanded means of attaining victory. Yes, Johnny Mundo was able to hang onto his belt once more, but let it be said that there is a strong feeling in the temple that if there were a champion of our hearts, The Mack would truly be that. It must be known that there is a whole gap for myself in the mythology from episode 29 in the first season to last weeks episode, and so I missed a multitude of goings on and Drago being enslaved by some lady and all these new characters in particular. And so it was a pleasant surprise, despite the fact that I wanted The Mack to win, when this chick named Taya came out to help Johnny Mundo win because quite honestly: I love her and want to marry her! After the first match, it was a three way match between Drago and these other two masked fighters and they were going up against Drago’s brother who was also reptilian and this other guy who was super tall and looked like a Cobra, then at the last minute Drago betrayed the team and joined his bro and at some point he sprayed green liquid from his mouth in the face of an opponent. It was truly a great thing. The main event was Prince Puma vs. Mil Muertes. It was good to see Mil Muertes and his lovely girlfriend Catrina back together again after she cucked him for Fenix and though I wanted Prince Puma to win, it is always a treat when Catrina licks the face of Mil Muertes’ defeated opponents. However, it was hinted at that in the gap of episodes I had not seen, Mil Muertes had some serious beef with Vampyro, the announcer, to which I say: Not cool Mil, you fuck with Vampyro, you fuck with ME. At the end of the day, Prince Puma defeated Mil Muertes, so no faces were licked. I have decided that Prince Puma would be a wonderful presidential candidate, if he runs and wins, I will be his Steve Bannon, minus the face ravaged by years of chronic alcohol abuse. 

Love, 

Naz Red The Great

Lucha Underground Episode Recap

I put my face on Prince Puma's body A) I have always wanted this type of physique and B) I am a noble warrior like him.

Several thoughts on last nights Lucha Underground, I have realized that this amazing show, which is the greatest show ever, fills me with thoughts and joys that I must share: I have seen 27 episodes of the first season on netflix, and the night before last I watched the last episode of the third season to catch up with what was happening so I had the proper context when watching last nights episode. And so, last night, I watched the all night long fight between The Mack and Johnny Mundo making it my first live Lucha Undergound viewing experience. It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen, and I have seen many amazing things. I had read on various wrestling websites about what was happening up until that point: The Mack and Sexy Star had developed a touching friendship, and Johnny Mundo challenged the Mack and he said things like “Oh Mack you are so out of shape” (I am paraphrasing) and he disrespected Mack, but Mack smacked him around. And so, last night, they fought, and it was epic, they took a ladder out and everything. Johnny Mundo faked a foot injury after jumping off the ropes and smashing into the Mack, then the paramedics came out and it turned out Johnny Mundo was faking it and he hit The Mack with the stretcher, then the Mack took him up the stairs, with the stretcher, strapped Mundo to the stretcher, and pushed him down the stairs. This warmed my heart. It turned out to be a draw, but The Mack should have totally won. I feel the lesson with all of this is: Don’t judge a book by it’s cover! When The Mack first came on with Big Rick and Killshot to do dastardly deeds, I did not take him seriously. But I was wrong in thinking he wasn’t a noble warrior, and his friendship with sexy star is a great thing.

I will be updating every new lucha underground episode, because the honorable world of luchadore wrestling is the only thing that makes sense in this crazy world.

Love,

Naz

I WOULD LIKE TO WRITE SPEECHES FOR DONALD TRUMP

Hello friends of the internet. Recently, I have become extremely patriotic and have fallen under the spell of this guy named Donald Trump. I would like to write his speeches. If anyone who is reading this is involved with him or has a connection or maybe works at his campaign offices, please put in a good word for me. I write fast and I am not too expensive, but if you guys want to pay me a lot that's cool. As a writing sample, i wrote his presidential inauguration speech, mind you this is just a sample. If hired for big Don (I was hoping we could get chummy to the level where we give each other nick names and whatnot) I promise I will take the job seriously and give it my all. Without further ado: Donald Trump's 2016 Presidential Inauguration speech:

My fellow Americans, today is a great day. Today you have chosen to return to greatness. Today you have made you, great again. You know, my father used to tell me about his America, the America he grew up in. it was a beautiful America folks, there were white picket fences everywhere, the steel and mine workers were always working like true Americans, and when it was hot in the ghetto neighborhoods, the police would volunteer to hose down the residents. You know, we ran a tough campaign and I just want to thank my beautiful kids, Ivanka and Donald junior, and my wife Melania. You’re no pig honey! Otherwise I would never have sex with you! While today is a great day, we have a long road ahead to save us from the hellish last eight years of this administration. People tell me, hey Donald you just don’t like President Obama because he’s black, to which I say, and have said all along: I love black people, I got black people working for me, black people are great people as long as they... you know. Lot’s of people have asked me: Mr. Trump I don’t feel safe anymore, can you please help us feel safe just to go watch a movie! Let me tell you something, we are going to have a cop on every block protecting good citizens from bad people, I think all citizens have nothing to fear when there is an armed cop who is trained to kill bad guys (and certain dark people) standing on every corner and marching down every sidewalk. People have asked me what’s your plan for those barbarians in the middle east, people have also asked me what’s your plan for the sky rocketing oil prices? People have asked me, with tears in their eyes, Donald what are you going to do about the ozone layer and global warming. Well let me tell you folks, I got a solution. Using a team of brilliant minds, we have come up with a scientific way of dealing with these issues: We have created state of the art engines that are to be used in cars, planes, and other automobiles, that run solely on the blood of Muslim children. I know what you’re thinking: What about the Chinese? Well I talked to my guys, they said there aren’t a lot of chinks who are muslim. These engines, which use technology on a level never seen before, and run solely on the blood, and sometimes tears, of muslim children and babies, will usher in a new era of cars that give zero emissions and don’t contribute to that greenhouse gas thing people talk about and say is bad. Now let’s talk about something we’ve been waiting to get to: Let’s talk about that wall and sending those criminals and rapists back to Mexico! (Cheers from the audience) I’ve been asked: Mr. Trump, what’s gonna happen to taco bell and chipotle, are they going back too? And I say of course not because good honest white americans love that stuff, if it’s white it’s right as I always say! Let’s be real here folks, I am going to be honest with you for my closing statement: The next four years are going to be a complete fuck fest of death and destruction, peace will never come in your time and the grim specter of death will hang over us all until we are chosen to pass through the flames of oblivion because of the fact that I am a vile, greedy, frothing pig, a personification of the bloated and dead corpse of american politics. God bless America!

The monstrous and the bizarre

"When I was a child, other children looked like bizarre monsters to me, now as a man, I see those same kids who are all grown up and they still look like bizarre monsters, only older and more bizarre, and they have kids of their own, who are equally bizarre and monstrous. Basically, everyone is a bizarre monster to me." - Naz Red, the great

I AM THE FUCKING BEST

I am the fucking best. Because I learn man. I learn everyday. While other suckers slow down and stop learning and become giant potatoes, I learn. I learn, learn, learn. I mentor an Asian kid. I tell him, learn you idiot. Learn, and you will be the best like me. “How are you the best?” He asks. I say, “Shush up and learn you elf."