I once created something hideous and horrible to unleash on the world when I was an angry young mad scientist who was just starting out, it’s name was Qwocky. Qwocky was very stupid and annoying and irritating. Whenever Qwocky would walk into a room, he would say “It’s Qwocky time!” When you would ask Qwocky to leave, he would turn around and hit the wall and shake and go “doyyyyyy” like a true idiot. These were just several of many dumb things Qwocky would do. My plan was to set up a meeting between Qwocky and an agent who would see Qwocky’s mass appeal to the general public and they would give him a show and an album and through Qwocky’s sheer abrasive stupidness infecting the world, society would collapse and the world would end. I have since realized the error of wanting such a thing to happen. I realized that instead of making things that will hurt the world, I want to make things that will help it. So I had Qwocky euthanized and turned into sandwiches that I gave to some homeless people. I was sad, because apart of me kind of came to like Qwocky and appreciate his Tati-esque physical comedy like when he would slip on jam or jelly and fall back accompanied with the sound of a kazoo, but the other part of me was glad he was giving nourishment to those that are less fortunate then I. The moral of the story is we should all do our part to make the world a better place. It’s like, hey man, don’t unleash a monster out on the world man, turn that monster into a sandwich so homeless alcoholics and crackheads can eat it.
Confucius says: /
"Love your Oxe, Kiss your Bear." - Confucius
Confucius was a very wise man. This quote means that the ox, which Confucius spelled wrong because he thought the word ox had an e in it, represents life, and that you should love it always even when times are hard, and that the bear represents humanity, and that you should kiss it.
Mr. Red's Muses, Muse #368: Bernice /
I have many muses. Some I know quite well, others I glimpse only in passing as I navigate through this strange and wonderful life. From the Queen of muses down to the cute Latina chick who works at 7-11, my muses come in all shapes and sizes. Every once in awhile, I feel the need to pay tribute to any particular muse who happens to tap dance her way into my imagination, hence this little segment of my blog called “Mr. Red’s Muses”. I was trying to decide which muse I should share with the world when I felt hungry and decided to make myself a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. After making the sandwich and eating it with a tall glass of chocolate milk, I suddenly remembered a muse I came across at this donut shop on Santa Monica boulevard several years ago.
I had just heard about this new food fad called “cronuts” which were basically donuts crossed with croissants. I was a bit on the high side as I waited in line. It was about 2 am, and the line was pretty much a bunch of people whose wild night of drinking was winding down to the drunk food stage, with cronuts being the main thing on the menu. I was eyeing the nutella cronuts in the display case, when from the reflection of the display, I could see a pretty, plump woman eating a box of jelly donuts. She was enjoying the donuts with such ferocity that she had purple jelly all over her face. Her beauty was difficult to miss, because there was so much of her. She must have been five hundred pounds, every pound was beautiful. I had to turn around and introduce myself, I could not pass up the chance to have her join my army of muses.
“Hello miss, I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful you looked eating all of these jelly donuts. My name is Naz Red, nice to meet you. I would love for you to be one of my muses.” She wiped her mouth with her sleeve, but there was still jelly on her face and somehow on her forehead.
“Hello Naz. I’m Bernice, but everyone calls me Bernice the obese.” We had a pleasant conversation about donuts and the dire state of the world, then went our separate ways. Whenever I need to be inspired to eat something by myself and really just enjoy it without shame, I think of Bernice and how graceful and pretty she looked eating all of those jelly donuts. Then I go work out for an hour because Bernice may look beautiful at 500 pounds, but Mr. Red looks like a big fat degenerate slob.
-Naz Red