Hello friends of the internet. Recently, I have become extremely patriotic and have fallen under the spell of this guy named Donald Trump. I would like to write his speeches. If anyone who is reading this is involved with him or has a connection or maybe works at his campaign offices, please put in a good word for me. I write fast and I am not too expensive, but if you guys want to pay me a lot that's cool. As a writing sample, i wrote his presidential inauguration speech, mind you this is just a sample. If hired for big Don (I was hoping we could get chummy to the level where we give each other nick names and whatnot) I promise I will take the job seriously and give it my all. Without further ado: Donald Trump's 2016 Presidential Inauguration speech:
My fellow Americans, today is a great day. Today you have chosen to return to greatness. Today you have made you, great again. You know, my father used to tell me about his America, the America he grew up in. it was a beautiful America folks, there were white picket fences everywhere, the steel and mine workers were always working like true Americans, and when it was hot in the ghetto neighborhoods, the police would volunteer to hose down the residents. You know, we ran a tough campaign and I just want to thank my beautiful kids, Ivanka and Donald junior, and my wife Melania. You’re no pig honey! Otherwise I would never have sex with you! While today is a great day, we have a long road ahead to save us from the hellish last eight years of this administration. People tell me, hey Donald you just don’t like President Obama because he’s black, to which I say, and have said all along: I love black people, I got black people working for me, black people are great people as long as they... you know. Lot’s of people have asked me: Mr. Trump I don’t feel safe anymore, can you please help us feel safe just to go watch a movie! Let me tell you something, we are going to have a cop on every block protecting good citizens from bad people, I think all citizens have nothing to fear when there is an armed cop who is trained to kill bad guys (and certain dark people) standing on every corner and marching down every sidewalk. People have asked me what’s your plan for those barbarians in the middle east, people have also asked me what’s your plan for the sky rocketing oil prices? People have asked me, with tears in their eyes, Donald what are you going to do about the ozone layer and global warming. Well let me tell you folks, I got a solution. Using a team of brilliant minds, we have come up with a scientific way of dealing with these issues: We have created state of the art engines that are to be used in cars, planes, and other automobiles, that run solely on the blood of Muslim children. I know what you’re thinking: What about the Chinese? Well I talked to my guys, they said there aren’t a lot of chinks who are muslim. These engines, which use technology on a level never seen before, and run solely on the blood, and sometimes tears, of muslim children and babies, will usher in a new era of cars that give zero emissions and don’t contribute to that greenhouse gas thing people talk about and say is bad. Now let’s talk about something we’ve been waiting to get to: Let’s talk about that wall and sending those criminals and rapists back to Mexico! (Cheers from the audience) I’ve been asked: Mr. Trump, what’s gonna happen to taco bell and chipotle, are they going back too? And I say of course not because good honest white americans love that stuff, if it’s white it’s right as I always say! Let’s be real here folks, I am going to be honest with you for my closing statement: The next four years are going to be a complete fuck fest of death and destruction, peace will never come in your time and the grim specter of death will hang over us all until we are chosen to pass through the flames of oblivion because of the fact that I am a vile, greedy, frothing pig, a personification of the bloated and dead corpse of american politics. God bless America!