I have many muses. Some I know quite well, others I glimpse only in passing as I navigate through this strange and wonderful life. From the Queen of muses down to the cute Latina chick who works at 7-11, my muses come in all shapes and sizes. Every once in awhile, I feel the need to pay tribute to any particular muse who happens to tap dance her way into my imagination, hence this little segment of my blog called “Mr. Red’s Muses”. I was trying to decide which muse I should share with the world when I felt hungry and decided to make myself a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. After making the sandwich and eating it with a tall glass of chocolate milk, I suddenly remembered a muse I came across at this donut shop on Santa Monica boulevard several years ago.
I had just heard about this new food fad called “cronuts” which were basically donuts crossed with croissants. I was a bit on the high side as I waited in line. It was about 2 am, and the line was pretty much a bunch of people whose wild night of drinking was winding down to the drunk food stage, with cronuts being the main thing on the menu. I was eyeing the nutella cronuts in the display case, when from the reflection of the display, I could see a pretty, plump woman eating a box of jelly donuts. She was enjoying the donuts with such ferocity that she had purple jelly all over her face. Her beauty was difficult to miss, because there was so much of her. She must have been five hundred pounds, every pound was beautiful. I had to turn around and introduce myself, I could not pass up the chance to have her join my army of muses.
“Hello miss, I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful you looked eating all of these jelly donuts. My name is Naz Red, nice to meet you. I would love for you to be one of my muses.” She wiped her mouth with her sleeve, but there was still jelly on her face and somehow on her forehead.
“Hello Naz. I’m Bernice, but everyone calls me Bernice the obese.” We had a pleasant conversation about donuts and the dire state of the world, then went our separate ways. Whenever I need to be inspired to eat something by myself and really just enjoy it without shame, I think of Bernice and how graceful and pretty she looked eating all of those jelly donuts. Then I go work out for an hour because Bernice may look beautiful at 500 pounds, but Mr. Red looks like a big fat degenerate slob.
-Naz Red